Loneliness
Lonely Together: When the Person Beside You Feels Far Away
There is a particular kind of loneliness that rarely gets talked about. It isn’t the loneliness of an empty house or a quiet weekend. It’s the loneliness of lying next to someone you love and feeling completely unseen.
Many people assume a relationship should cure loneliness. When it doesn’t, they often feel ashamed, as though admitting it means the relationship has failed. The research tells a different story: loneliness within a relationship is common, measurable, and worth taking seriously.
How common is it?
In the UK generally: the 2024 Health Survey for England found 22% of adults felt lonely at least some of the time, with 6% often or always lonely. openprescribing
Being partnered is not a guarantee: a study spanning 17 countries found married people were generally less lonely than single or cohabiting people, but not immune to loneliness; another study found 40% of married people felt lonely sometimes or often. counselormagazine
In midlife and beyond: a 2018 AARP national survey found almost a third (31%) of married people aged 45 and over reported being lonely. today
In later life in Europe: a Dutch study found between 20% and 25% of married adults over 64 experienced moderate to strong emotional or social loneliness. imexhs
What it can look like
Loneliness in a couple doesn’t always announce itself. It can creep in quietly:
Conversations that stay on logistics: bills, schedules, who’s collecting whom
Sharing something that matters and getting a distracted response
Saving your real thoughts for friends, a journal or no one at all
Physical closeness without emotional closeness
Feeling more relaxed when your partner is out
Rehearsing conversations in your head that never happen out loud
Quality, not just presence
Research consistently shows it is the quality of a relationship, not simply being in one, that protects against loneliness.
Marriage type matters. Hsieh and Hawkley’s national study of older married couples found spouses in aversive marriages felt the loneliest, while those in supportive marriages were the least lonely. spsp
Ambivalence is common. In the same study, 39% of men and 25% of women felt ambivalent about their marriages, and a further 8% of men and 11% of women seemed indifferent, describing their spouse as neither a support nor a strain. spsp
Loneliness is contagious. The researchers also found that loneliness in people who saw their marriage as aversive spilled over and raised their partner’s loneliness too. spsp
Confiding matters. People who confide in their partner about the important things in life tend to be less lonely than married people who usually confide in someone else. counselormagazine
Wider connection matters. Research in the Journal of Family Psychology found spouses who consistently reported good social connections outside the marriage were more likely to avoid becoming lonely within it. today
Why it happens
Couples rarely set out to drift apart. Distance usually builds through small, understandable patterns:
Busyness and depletion: work, caring responsibilities and exhaustion leave little left for each other
Unspoken hurts: small disappointments never voiced harden into withdrawal
Different emotional languages: one partner connects through talking, the other through doing
Life transitions: children arriving or leaving, illness, retirement, bereavement
Neurodivergence: differences in processing emotion, communication and sensory experience can create misunderstanding neither partner intends
Early experience: one study found adverse childhood events were associated with loneliness in both men and women, and early emotional neglect can shape how safely we reach for others as adults counselormagazine
The small moments: Gottman’s “bids”
John and Julie Gottman’s research offers one of the clearest windows into how distance forms. They describe “bids for connection”: small or large attempts to reach a partner, from calling their name to asking for deeper needs to be met. CNBC
In a study following newlyweds over six years, couples who stayed married turned towards each other’s bids 86% of the time; couples who divorced did so only 33% of the time. gottman
There are three ways to respond: turning towards, turning away, or turning against. Turning away means ignoring the bid, deliberately or absent-mindedly. fatherly
Importantly, turning towards does not require stopping everything for a deep conversation; most bids don’t need that. empathi
Loneliness in a relationship is often the accumulated weight of many small bids that went unanswered.
The protective parts of us
From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, loneliness in a relationship often involves parts of us working hard to keep us safe.
A part might go quiet to avoid conflict
Another might criticise to provoke a reaction, any reaction, because silence feels unbearable
Another might pour itself into work, the children or the phone so the ache doesn’t have to be felt
These parts aren’t the enemy. They developed for good reasons, often long before the current relationship began. But when both partners’ protectors are running the show, the two people underneath can lose sight of each other.
Beneath those protectors there is often a younger, more vulnerable part carrying an old belief: I’m too much. I’m not enough. No one really stays. Being lonely beside a partner can touch that wound very precisely, which is why it can hurt more than being lonely alone.
Why it matters for health
Loneliness is not just an emotional discomfort.
Holt-Lunstad’s 2015 meta-analysis found loneliness was associated with a 26% increased likelihood of mortality, with social isolation at 29% and living alone at 32%. byu
Her earlier 2010 review of 148 studies concluded that the effect of social connection on survival was comparable with quitting smoking and exceeded risk factors such as obesity and physical inactivity. Science Alert
Loneliness has also been linked with high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes. thedailystar
It distorts perception: studies show that simply recalling feeling lonely can lead people to devalue their relationships, and these distortions often cause further withdrawal from the very people who could help. thecable
That last finding explains why loneliness in a couple tends to be self-reinforcing.
What can help
Naming it without blame: “I’ve been feeling lonely with us lately” lands very differently from “You never talk to me”
Getting curious rather than certain: if you’re lonely, it’s quite likely your partner is too counselormagazine
Noticing bids: yours and theirs, and how often each is turned towards
Small moments over grand gestures: a proper greeting, a question genuinely listened to, the phone put down
Keeping wider connections alive: friends and family protect the relationship rather than compete with it
Noticing your own protectors: what happens in you when you want closeness?
Making room for both truths: you can love someone and feel lonely with them
Seeking support: couples or individual therapy can make patterns visible and give vulnerable parts a voice
Sometimes it is an ending
For some, loneliness in a relationship is the first honest sign that the relationship has run its course. That recognition deserves care rather than rushing. Therapy can help in either direction: finding a way back to each other, or parting with clarity and dignity.
A final thought
Loneliness within a relationship is not a sign that you are needy, broken or ungrateful. It is a signal that something important, being seen and known, is missing. Listening to that signal, rather than silencing it, is often where real change begins.
If any of this resonates and you would like to explore it further, individually or as a couple, you are welcome to get in touch.
References
Gottman, J. M. & DeClaire, J. (2001). The Relationship Cure. Crown.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B. & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T. & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality. Perspectives on Psychological Science.
Hsieh, N. & Hawkley, L. (2018). Loneliness in the older adult marriage: associations with dyadic aversion, indifference, and ambivalence. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
Ermer, A. E. & Proulx, C. M. Loneliness trajectories in older married couples. Journal of Family Psychology.
NHS England (2024). Health Survey for England 2024: Loneliness and wellbeing.
AARP (2018). Loneliness and Social Connections: A National Survey of Adults 45 and Older.
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